


but monsters live forever

by troublemaker (shoseilovemail)



Category: JO1 (Japan Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Horror, M/M, Nightmares, Obsession, POV Alternating, shosei i am so sorry too, sky i am so sorry, sky is a creep, warnings in authors note
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:21:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26722078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shoseilovemail/pseuds/troublemaker
Summary: He tries to be silent as he walks down the hall, but every joint cracks and makes a terrifying sound as he does. As if he's a monster. And maybe, with all the ugly thoughts he has, maybe Sukai is one. And the monster's gonna get the prince now.Sukai loves Shosei. Shosei has a nightmare.
Relationships: Kinjo Sukai/Ohira Shosei
Kudos: 11





	but monsters live forever

**Author's Note:**

> tw for creepy/stalkerish behaviour (sky watches shose sleep)  
> please do not if seeing such content might upset you.

As idols, they should be perfect. Flawless. So Sukai keeps his smile, cool but bright, fitting his image. From dawn to dusk, he makes finger hearts for fans, tells them he'll marry them. All for the fans, all for his image.

His image, a picture crafted to perfection, a skin he can put on every day.

And when dusk comes, he strips it off, revealing all the messed up truths. His group members regularly complain about having to play as some one different, especially Ruki, but Sukai finds it nice. Because if they knew...

They wouldn't accept it. Beneath the smooth, pale skin lives everything bad and ugly.

But then, there's Shosei.

Quiet, beautiful Shosei. An angel sent from heaven, kinder than anyone else. Pretty inside out. Everything that Sukai isn't.

Maybe that's why he loves him so much. _So much_.

Maybe it's strange, maybe it's weird. But why should Sukai care? Shosei makes him so happy - he's always there for the younger, telling him that he's beautiful too even with everything stripped of, that his soul is gentle and warm. He's wrong, but Sukai forgives him, because it's Shosei.

But still, Sukai feels the burning in his chest every time Shosei gets close to him. He ignores it, pushes it back for the sake of the group, but it's there. Always, in the back. Waiting for the sun to go down, so that it can take control.

Shosei's scared.

He's been having nightmares recently. It makes him scared to fall asleep. It always feels like there's someone in his room, watching him, waiting there. He always hears faint steps outside in the hall, sometimes a little knock on his door. But no one's ever there.

They've been joking about a ghost in their hall online, and he's seen the fans blame it on Ruki's weird sleeping schedule. He wishes it's like that. But he doesn't know, and that's so scary.

He tries to be silent as he walks down the hall, but every joint cracks and makes a terrifying sound as he does. As if he's a monster. And maybe, with all the ugly thoughts he has, maybe Sukai is one. And the monster's gonna get the prince now.

He opens the door as quietly as possible yet it still squeaks a bit when he closes it behind himself. But his prince seems unbothered, sleeping soundly in his bed with his many plushies. Like the sleeping beauty.

"Shosei ", he whispers, and his lips curl up into a smile.

Every step is cautious as Sukai draws closer to the bed, until he's looming over the older boy. _He's so pretty_ , Sukai thinks. _So fucking pretty, so out of this world._

It's dark but his eyes are more than used to the night. He takes in every part of Shosei's face. Forehead, hair, eyes, nose, lips. _Lips._ Oh, how much Sukai would love to kiss Shosei, deep into the night until their lips are all red and chapped. He brushes over them lightly, as not to wake up the sleeping angel.

However, Shosei grumbles and turns around. Sukai instantly draws his hand back, staying almost frozen for a moment, until he's sure that Shosei' still asleep.

He looks at him one more time. "Shosei, why can't you love me? ", escapes his lips.

Then he disappears into the night.

Shosei's had a nightmare again. They can all see it, no matter how much he tries to hide it. It's normal now.

It's normal now to see Shosei with dark circles under his eyes, slumped shoulders and red eyes. They all know it, how he cries so late at night because he's scared, scared to fall asleep again, scared for himself and how he won't be able to fulfil his duties as an idol.

They all know it, but they don't say anything. _It's normal. It'll go away,_ Sho's told them another day. _He'll recover soon._

So Ruki sips his tea, Takumi pokes at his cereal, Sho makes his shakes and Shion eats an apple in silence. Shosei eats nothing. Sukai drinks coffee with sugar. A normal morning.

Shosei tries going about his day as well as he can. But it's not easy. Even on 4 cups of coffee he still feels tired, too tired to appear to go on shoot. However, in the idol industry there's no sympathy for weak people, so he pushes it away. Puts on 2 layers of concealer, sleeps on the way to the shooting location in his member's arms. He feels safe there.

Sho strokes his hair a bit, and it's supposed to feel good, but somehow he feels uncomfortable. It feels so oddly familiar, but in a very bad way. It gets unbearable and Shosei jolts up, earning 9 pairs of confused eyes on him. He apologizes 10 times but the others each reassure him that it's okay, that he's safe, and they didn't want to hurt him. Shosei smiles at them, and everyone pats him reassuringly.

Only Sukai's asleep by the window.

The shooting goes as good as it gets with 11 boys so tired that they yawn every other minute. The photographers tell them that they look good, and in the end, that's all that matters.

Somewhere between individual shootings Ren crouches down next to Shosei and asks if he still has nightmares. "Yes ", Shosei replies with a bitter smile, and sips on his water. Ren nods in understanding. "I hope they'll go away soon " he says, and goes away himself.

At another shooting that day Sho asks him about the exact contents of his nightmares. "I can never remember much ", Shosei explains, "but I always feel like there's someone in my room. Just standing there, watching all of my movements. "

He leans back against the wall and lets out a deep sigh. Sho bites his lower lip. "Do you want something to eat? " Shosei smiles, bitterly, again. "No, thank you. "

Even with 2 cokes from a concerned Ruki in his blood, Shosei struggles to keep his eyes open on the way back. The members keep telling him that it's okay, he can and should get sleep when he's tired. But Shosei doesn't want to sleep.

He ends up doing so, inevitably. His dream isn't as usual, and he's able to sleep quite calmly. At least it appears so on the outside.

At one point Ruki sees a tear rolling down the younger's cheek. He looks around, and everyone's asleep. Sukai's hand is reaching towards Shosei's. Ruki wipes the tear away, and falls back to sleep himself.

How long has it been now? A month, probably. A month since Sukai's falling in love with Shosei. Well, they've known each other before that - but it was not until that particular day in July that Sukai _realized_ what that burning in his chest meant. That bubbly tingling sensation that overcame his body every time Shosei laughed, was close to him, every time their bodies touched. Sure, he's known before that he's gay, but he didn't expect to fall for his group member _that_ hard.

So hard, he can't help but want to see him all the time.

He can't really look at him during the day - either they're on individual practise (really, _fuck you_ covid) or they're on set, where he has to be a professional. Smile, and pretend that everything's sunshine and rainbows.

So the time that remains reserved for him is the night.

It's perfect, actually - Shosei's asleep, everyone's asleep, so no one's going to bother him, and he can look at his prince in peace. That's all he does, really, so it's okay, _right_?

Right?

Sukai pushes it away, favours the desire flaming up in his chest over the guilt, but sometimes, just sometimes there's a tiny voice in his head that asks, _Is this a right thing to do? How would Shosei feel?_

He cracks his neck, his hands and joints as he goes down the hall for another night. The sound pleases him, it clears his mind from questions like that. Usually. Today, the voice is persistent.

"What does it matter anyways ", he whispers, carefully, because he's passing by Ren's room at that moment - the second leader, always alert. He's usually the first to notice when something shifts, he's intuitive like that, but hasn’t noticed anything about _this_ yet. And it should stay that way.

 _Whatever_ , Sukai thinks, _I've started, I can't stop now. I'm a monster already. And monsters do bad things._

When he enters Shosei's room, he takes a look at himself through the makeup mirror.

Face distorted from missing sleep, hard edges cast by the shadows if the night, eyes wide but bleak, filled with empty darkness.

A monster truly.

It's another day in August, another day of shootings, all for the comeback. Today it's Nylon and then Vivi. They arrive on the set for Vivi at around 7 o' clock in the evening (they really couldn't have made it later, could they) and with a lot of coffee and coke JO1, the nationally widely successful boy group dragged themselves onto set.

See, during photoshoots it's easier for Sukai - he can just look at the camera, concentrate on putting on a proper smile and ignore how _fucking gorgeous_ Shosei looks. With the blue striped lose shirt, the blonde hair parted in the middle, and _that_ lipstick. That deep red lipstick, showing them off fully and perfectly. Yes, Shosei is perfect. Sukai is fully convinced.

But he tries to sip on his water and not look too much.

Later, it gets harder though - during the 7 questions interview. They're supposed to gool around in the background and do something funny, but all that's in Sukai's head is _Shosei Shosei Shosei_. So he watches the older from behind, who puts up a pretty smile and laughs about Syoya's silly acts. Sukai knows very well, it's half fake.

What's real, is when Sukai sneaks up from behind and smells Shosei's hair - god, it smells so good. Like honey infused with vanilla and lemon. He wishes he could stroke it all day, placing kisses here and there.

But another reality is that they're more or less famous, and their every move is watched, observed and recorded for eternity.

So he takes a step back, watching with a fond smile that's not fake.

They come back all tired and messy. Ruki dozes off multiple times, Shion had to be shaken awake and Shosei's slept during the whole drive on Ren's lap.

Junki carries the prince up since their rooms are next to each other, and Sukai is _not_ jealous. He makes sure to not let anything show and excuses himself to his room.

He puts on his pyjamas; they're yellow. He brushes his teeth, looks into the mirror; Shosei looks back.

Shosei Shosei Shosei. That's all his head is filled with.

 _Isn't it weird?_ , he wonders. _Am I sick?_

Maybe, maybe. Maybe he's weird, sick, despicable, terrible.

But he knows it. He's the textbook definition of a monster. Ugly and evil, hidden behind a porcelain mask. And Shosei's his prince. His precious, beautiful prince.

So he steps out of the door again, walks down the hall, up the stairs to Shosei's room. _I'm going to cast a spell on you_ , he thinks. _Like an evil witch._ _Gonna steal your heart like a thief, and dance around your body like Rumpelstiltskin._ A smile spreads across his face. Yes, that's it.

Sukai opens the door and the crack throws light through the room, on the ground to the bed to the sleeping beauty. Shosei.

Sukai comes closer with small steps, closing the door behind, making as little sound as possible. Until he stands in front of the bed, just above the sleeping Shosei.

He's been just tucked into the blanket - clothes from the day still on, as well as the makeup and hair styling. Fatal.

Over everything, he looks so soft. Small breaths escape his pursed lips, his hair whips up and down every so slightly with his chest's heaving. _Oh, his hair._ It looks straight out of a commercial. Sukai just wants to touch it and - and he does.

He's never done it before, not with this intent at least, and it feels... so soft. Fluffy, and warm. As if it's the only warm thing in that cold, cold room. Smells like honey, vanilla and lavender. Sukai leans _just a bit_ closer to smell it. He grins. The smell of heaven.

He gets back up, and in that moment, something shifts in Sukai. His eyes fall onto the lips. Still clad in that deep red lipstick. That _cursed_ lipstick.

Sukai leans back in, closer than before, until his lips are just above Shosei's. They've never been that close. Sukai doesn't know what in his head is making him do it, but he whispers, "I'm a monster, and I'm gonna get you know, prince. "

Then, he meets Shosei's lips with his own.

It's a dream like any other. Shosei's in his room. Just laying in his bed. Everything’s fine. _It should be._ But there' this feeling, this feeling in his guts that makes him shiver, eyes wide open and barely able to breathe from fear. That someone's there.

It's so dark, he can't see them, but he _feels_ them - suddenly it's like he's strapped onto the bed and there's hands hovering over his face, fingertips gracing his cheeks and lips. Another hand running down his arm, waist, leg. Shosei closes his eyes. Then both hands are on his cheek. Shosei opens his eyes back up, and there's a black face, too dark it is to see anything.

Then, there's lips on his own.

Shosei instantly jolts back, from such a sudden sensation, stops himself with his hands before hitting the wall, and meets a pair of eyes.

Sukai.

Shosei looks terrified. More than that, even. As if he's just been poisoned.

Sukai's mouth opens and closes, he's searching for the words, and Shosei already starts crying.

"So this all... You did this all with an ulterior move in mind? ", he accuses. Of course it's not an accusation, it's the truth. Sukai bites his lower lip and looks to the side.

"Look at me, Sukai! " Shosei's getting louder. "Look at what you've done! "

And he looks. There' the prince, scared of the monster in front of him that he believed to be a group mate. A friend.

"Look, I- I just- ", Sukai attempts.

"What Sukai, _what_. ", Shosei hisses back. He wipes a tear away.

"I just love you- "

In retrospect, he should've said anything but those words.

"Love? ", Shosei says. His voice's completely changed. " _Love?_ " It sounds so... broken, betrayed and sad. A whisper of pain. "You think _this_ is love? "

It's so silent, Sukai hears the tears drop onto the duvet.

He himself is frozen. He's all in his own head. Trying to think of excuses, of why's and but's, but nothing makes sense. It's all dead ends. _This is not love. What do you think love us?_

"You're fucked up ", Shosei spits. Sukai doesn't respond. He has no words, only apologies that aren't apologies and empty words.

The older lets himself drop against the wall. "Go now "

And when Sukai doesn't mean, Shosei jumps back up to scream, "GO NOW "

Now everyone's awake for sure.

With nothing really on his mind, Sukai leaves Shosei's room. He's a mess, a mess of feelings of all colours. They tried to paint a rainbow, but it turned brown instead. Ugly brown.

He passes Sho and Ren on the way down. They throw confused glances at him, searching for an explanation in his face. But Sukai just passes by.

It's a dark night, but there's so much in Sukai's head that he only sees white.

No one's seen Shosei after that, for days. He's just locked himself in his room. First thing in the morning you can hear crying. After a whe it quiets down, and then nothing. He accepts food and water occasionally, through the mailbox. But no one's seen his face for almost 4 days now.

The fans continue as usual, in awe of the boys' beauty and performance, praising them wherever possible. A joke here and there.

JO1 themselves... are in a weird place. They're standing kind off between parties - well, they are on Shosei's side of course - but it's also hard. Because that person on the other side is Sukai. Their groupmate. Who's laughed, cried, celebrated, worked hard with them, supported them so much. Their _friend._ Especially the younger ones are having a hard time.

And because the comeback is near, it complicates their schedule, because they can't practice. They agree to cancel a few shows and performances, because the situation at hand needs to be resolved.

Now, Sukai - both Naoto and Sho have been very vague about where he is right now. He's talking to people, they said. But the others don't want to know more. The main problem is Shosei.

It's been, what, 4 days now? Shosei's lost track of time. He didn't check his phone anymore after the first day.

He's woken up after that night, and he remembers exactly how he felt. Empty, dreadful, broken.

He picked up his phone, logged onto Twitter. He searched 'skysei ' (as the international fans like to call it) and scrolled through the tag.

Ships are normal in fandom and they've gotten more or less used to them, but this - this makes Shosei sick to the bone. And actually, physically sick. _It's not the fans’ fault_ , he tells himself, _they can't know. They can't-_

And again, his phone is flooded with tear drops.

After that, he blocked Sukai everywhere he could, muted his name and all. Then he fell back into bed. And he remembers, he's felt so, so empty.

It takes time, but Shosei comes out again. Unsteady, one feet in front of the other, head peaking out of the door. The others don't put up celebratory banners or throw a party, but they just come up to him - and hug him.

It ends in a huge group hug with Shosei at its core. Cries emit from there but they're covered by soft voices, telling Shosei that nothing is his fault that he's doing well, and that he's so, so strong.

"Thank you ", Shosei whispers at the end, in such a tiny voice, it's barely even a whisper. "I- I ", he starts, and detaches himself from the others, "I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused. I'm just- I still have a hard time accepting it. " He sniffles again, and Sho starts rubbing his back. "I don't know what will happen now. I don't know if I'll ever get over this, because it's... it's so scary. Like a huge monster, sitting in my room every night... I'm just- "

He breaks off, head in his hands. "I don't know if I'll be strong enough ", he finishes.

There's silence for a long time.

"You are strong enough ", Ren says then. "The monster may live forever, but... you are stronger than the monster. It'll be hard, but you're not alone. You've got us. " He gestures at the remaining 8 members all around Shosei. He looks them each in the eyes, and is each time meet with a reassuring smile. For now, that's enough.

Tears roll down Shosei's cheeks, and for the first time in days, he smiles, genuinely.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to laura for betaing <3  
> Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment or find me on [ cc ](https://curiouscat.qa/Shoseilover) or [ twt ](https://twitter.com/shoseilovemail)


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